Denial is painful - in all forms.

....Lately I am a distinct looser, appeased with my loss and fugitive discordant set of emotions!!! But I am still distinct.

... this is what my Google talk status message says. Denial is painful. In all forms. Human is not merely a social animal, human is also an emotional animal. I preach about correct use of emotions. Power of emotion and all those abstruse stuffs, all along. But of late I realize I am a mere man too. Like any one else. A mere mortal fighting a battle to over come the apparent flaws in the way we live. At the end of the day when I stand in front of the mirror I realize I have gained no more than only the knowledge of the truth. Knowing and doing are different. I just know. I have failed to do. And that makes me vulnerable and fragile. I feel pity. Pity for myself. Helpless I feel. But feelings are transient I am aware but also I know they are too overwhelming at times to be controlled. And I feel let down. As I am feeling now. The discordant emotion take shape of incoherent thoughts and drive no they drift me the way they want. And my remnant is no more than an entity in harmonic motion. From one ext ream to other restlessly.
Denial ignites this flame and the uncontrolled emotions fuel it. I remain just a shadow in this unreal world. I become a flaw. I become a mad mind desperately seeking some solace. Some sympathy. Seeking every where but within. Because I know if I seek it with in I will find it. I don't want that. I enjoy this madness. I like this hopeless despair some how. I find peace in looking at my soul succumb to the madness. I rejoice over it. I remain a different me.
Denial is painful. In all form. Thats what just remain. The pain and the denial.

I ma tagged

6 Whatevers about me:

1. I am looking for a girl friend.
2. I love people,animal, computers, fire arms, books, camera, food, gym.
3. I am lazy, bad listener at times, indifferent and solemn.
4. I used to be a principled guy, not anymore. I used to be look conscious, not anymore.
5. I used to be non vegetarian, then vegetarian and now again vegetarian.
6. I do some amateur photography, and maintain blogs, irony is that I don't have a camera.

5 things I miss in my life right now:

1. I miss my school day.
2. I miss a girl friend.
3. I miss my mom and my home.
4. I miss Jb, and Shankar da.
5. I miss my days when I was a principled guy :P

10 things I wanna achieve within a decade:

1. top the CSE.
2. Achieve inner peace to fullest,
3. To learn boxing, 5 other languages, learn swimming and walk through deep forest on bare foot.
4. Write a book.
5. To build a house and buy a car for my mom.
6. To kill a few criminals.
7. To learn the fact of life.
8. To build a hanumaan temple in my new house.
9. To go on several blind dates
10.The most important to become a Yogi if at all I am destined to

Book tag:

**Pick up the nearest book.Open to page 123.Find the fifth sentence.Post the next three sentences.Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.

**The nearest book is Devine Reality and @page 123 it has got exactly 5 sentences and a picture. So after that I dont have nayline to write.

Finally in Love

It was little different then usual. It was a day I felt the feeling. The innocent beautiful face almost in slow motion would move on my eyes. The lips would stretch a little to be called smiling. And I smile. The smile of immature love. The smile of solace you find no where else. she would look at me. And I feel the chill looking into her deep, adorable brown eyes. A sublime current euphoria would run through my body and I take my eyes away in an almost involuntary way, almost because it is voluntary. The man ego plays the role. You can't be staring at some one. But pretend the eye contact is accidental. The demeanor must reflect some kinda of false attitude. But love is overwhelming when ever it strikes, may be thats why its not a emotion and residue of all others, thats why its love. The most powerful of anything. A deep force of confession, ecstasy, revival, life, hope, will and divinity. Love.
In a chase of her one glimpse I would behave in almost stupid way. Almost for other don't catch it. You are not stupid as long as you are considered wise. She won't let me have that satisfaction of at least acquaintance. But I am glad. The characteristic of acquaintances would devise a screen of politeness never can be removed. Better be unknown. Who wants to know? Love does not demand cognizance, love lies in pure ignorance. Love lies in the submission of everything for the sake of faith. Its past, hence its a fact. That I loved her. But its still in the present so its a lively fact. And truth in present is as rare as time in past. I wont loose it. Its mine.
And the I love her is mine too.

The shadow and Me

A lighted cigarette in hand, few moist hairs hanging out and self deceiving smile. The re-imaging of self image while siting on my bed listening to gazal and struggling to type correctly I could think of only what I have become lately. What I am out for? What is it I want? Am I lonely? have I realized of late that I am a moron? Am I a intellectually handicapped guy? Or is it that I have become too complex? Do I do the things I do? Do I do them for I want to do or for I pretend that I want to do? Perplexed, annoyed I swhich off all the thoughts. Then I regain, I regain myself. I feel that chill. I feel my own possession. I am smiling again but this time its not deceiving its reassuring. I take a gaze on myself and here I am standing in the balcony staring involuntarily at the shadow before me. It my shadow. I think how my shadow has become longer than me, all most but not quite like a monster. I try out run my shadow, I fail. I try out last my shadow I fail. I try our cast my shadow I fail.
I realize my shadow is my self image. My shadow is as false as my body and my shadow is what gives me the courage, there is light even behind me. I have traveled a path of light. For I can see my shadow i have defeated darkness. Then My shadow moves with me, and I cant see it no more. I cant see it no more for I have realized the direction. I need not see it any more. The shadow has served its purpose. I am on the right path now. I am in the direction of the source. The source of light. My shadow made me turn around and seek the source. The dark shadow. The ugly monstrous shadow.
The life is same. The life does it all. It gives dark and monstrous opportunities to realized the path. To realize the source. Turn around set your face off it. Follow the infinite. Don't follow your shadow, let it follow you. Thats where lies life.

Truly
Abinash